Holiday Doldrums

December 7, 2010

Such a whirlwind....

It has been a traumatic and chaotic year, with its share of ups and downs. Now, it is a time for planning, and prioritizing.

All of the events of this past year have taught me valuable lessons - and had I not experienced them, I would not appreciate where I am today. I have made progress by leaps and bounds. I feel solid in my growth, and grateful everyday for all of my blessings. I am not saying that it is easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is definitely getting easier.

Ray and I have been divorced for a little over four months now, and it is still hard. When we were just "separated", there was still a bit of safety. I was still cared for, loved, and provided for. My things were still mine. I guess it hasn't quite sunk in yet that it is over. It's not necessarily a bad thing - just different (as I always say).

Christmas is going to be strange. In my mind's eye, I see the remnants of Christmases past, and am foggy-eyed and nostalgic over the memories. There were good times in there - of course. In twenty-five years together, there sure were. In a lot of ways I miss him. He was my protector, my provider..... He was chivalrous, and sometimes gentle. Enough of that. I need to write - and if I focus on him, I will get nowhere.... I digress.

So this Christmas, I get the girls for the evening of the 24th, and the morning of Christmas. For that, I am grateful. I am just a bit stressed over how to go about decorating, shopping, and cooking for the holiday when I am full-time caregiver for my parents. That alone is enough to wipe a person out completely. I will just have to do the best that I can.

April 2, 1987 - July 19, 2010 The Death of a Marriage

Where do I start?

I have so many regrets surrounding the whole divorce - things I could have/should have done differently. If I am truly honest with myself, I have been in this space before. It feels all-too-familiar. Every time things get to the point of finality, I find myself in a panic mode, clinging to the only thing I have ever known in my life: Ray. He is my life preserver - or at least he used to be.

I may have acted to hastily in demanding my divorce, but in the end - regardless of the outcome, I still feel in my core that it was the right thing to do. Especially when it comes to the consideration of what my kids have gone through. They have witnessed some serious fights between Ray and I, and that is unacceptable.

I want to put on a brave face, and act-as-if things are exactly the way I want them to be right now. But things aren't. They are exactly the way they are supposed to be, at this moment in time. That is uncomfortable for me.

In retrospect, I have all of these things that I wish had been different. If I could rewind my life and do it all over again..... I would change almost everything.

I would make time for sunsets, and moonlit walks. I would sit, and just hold him - in the silence. I would have been more patient and loving. I would have made sure that just the two of us had gone away to some exotic destination - sans children. I would have forced him to go to ballroom dancing lessons.... Mostly, I would have appreciated him for the man he was, and stopped trying to make him into the man I thought I needed. There are other contributing factors to the demise of our marriage - I can't take sole responsibility for it.

It does take two.... to tango.

Today's Musings......

Well, it's been a few days since I have posted anything, so I thought I might check in. Even though I'm pretty sure no one is reading.

I have come to the conclusion that my vacillation around my former relationship has been completely pointless, and he has made that pretty clear. I talked with a friend, and shared all of the gory details with her yesterday, and she pointed out to me that it was not healthy to continue with my lack of decisiveness, because it was harmful for my children. She's right. My girls have been so much more calm and serene since those divorce papers got signed.

So it's the end..... and a new beginning. I am trying to find some footing, and trust that god has a plan for my life. Right now, I am in action - trying to find employment, signing up workshops to update my computer literacy, and trying to find scholarships so I can afford to live and start school. I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. It's just a phase in my life that I have to accept to some degree, but I am not going to sit here and wallow in self-pity (I'm not even sad, so what would be the purpose in that???)

Yesterday I got to do some service work, as well as some very heavy-duty volunteer work that reminded me of where I came from, and where I could be again if I don't take some serious steps to prevent that from happening. It just "happened" that I was in the right place at the right time, and I can't explain how rewarding it was to be in the midst of such great spirituality.

I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the people in my life who have encouraged me through all of the challenges and decision-making that I have been going through. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who don't agree with my decision to get a divorce, but again.... they don't know both sides of the story, and I ain't spilling.

If you're reading this, I hope you have a good day!

Daddy's World

I walk around this shop
where the work is,
where the blades cut
and the fingers bleed

I glance around at the tools
and the scraps and the sawdust
and feel the creative energy
of your life

I smell the grease, the oil, the residue
of tasks unfinished, undecided, undertaken
and the chaos therein.

In this silence, I hear the sounds of the grinder,
the motor, the compressor.
The comforting sounds of your existence,
and your work.

There is a purpose
there is a plan
always busy and working with your hands
always remembering, dreaming, concealing

forgetting...... and losing......
but grasping.

I've walked through shops like this one
in days gone by
that echoed the voices I hear in your world
where tools were for sale
and long left unused
by hands such as yours, now stilled.

I'm glad you're still here
to joke with, and ponder with.
To match wits with, and smile at.

I see my your face in mine
and know that you'll always be here.

c2010 Felecia Walls

It's a lonely world - at least here it is.

Yesterday was so bad in my head that I seriously considered taking myself out - again. It's been quite a while since I have been that sad. I am really grateful that a good friend of mine divulged her own angst, and brought me out of self enough that I could see the forest and the trees. Life is good. It is by no means easy, nor is it very fun right now.... but it is so good.

I celebrated five months of sobriety yesterday with depression. Go figure.

I took some photographs of the moon last night - it was tilted in such a way that the craters and mountains were very visible - even to my lousy consumer-grade lens. Once I figure out how to embed the photographs, I will start showing off my photography here.

Today is a bit disconcerting.....

I had the girls over all day yesterday, while their daddy was at work, up until this morning. I took them to the park, just basked in their presence, and this morning made them French Toast. It's their favorite. I invited their daddy over to partake, and he came over - after first getting a haircut. He was really tired from staying over at his brother's house until 1am this morning.

I am really struggling.

On one hand, I really, really love this guy, and his strands of fabric are interwoven into mine in a very dynamic and multi-colored way. On the other hand, I am so deeply scarred by all of the years of battling with him, that I am afraid to get close to him again.

Our divorce is almost finalized - in fact, I think it will be on the 25th of this month - if all goes according to plans. And I keep on crying. I invested my whole life into this man, and our children. We have literally walked hand-in-hand through blazing fires, and managed to remain together. Why then, are we unable to walk through this period of our lives together?

I am just really struggling with the whole idea of either of us finding that "someone" aside from each other. I know, it doesn't make sense that I am going through this, when I am the one who instigated this whole scenario.

Today my thoughts were saying to me, "He loved me enough to let me go..." I just needed to know that he was willing to do that. Now I think it's too late to save this thing.

So I hurt, I cry, and have to let go.

Welcome...

I am glad to have finally found myself in the "blogger world", where I can now express myself more openly.

I would like to start by introducing myself:

I am Felecia - mother of five, photographer, daughter, sister, niece, and friend to many. I am in the process of dissolving a marriage of 23 years to my high school "sweetheart". It has been a rich and sometime fulfilling experience, with many very happy moments tangled in the web of the challenges of life.

I am also the mother of a child with Prader-Willi Syndrome (www.pwsa.org). I hope to relate some of the many challenges facing the parents of children with this disability, and hopefully impart some pieces of wisdom to those who are just starting down this long and windy road.

Hopefully, I will have something worthwhile to share at some point, and will start posting my photography, poetry, favorite videos and links.

Thank you for stopping by.