Today is a bit disconcerting.....

I had the girls over all day yesterday, while their daddy was at work, up until this morning. I took them to the park, just basked in their presence, and this morning made them French Toast. It's their favorite. I invited their daddy over to partake, and he came over - after first getting a haircut. He was really tired from staying over at his brother's house until 1am this morning.

I am really struggling.

On one hand, I really, really love this guy, and his strands of fabric are interwoven into mine in a very dynamic and multi-colored way. On the other hand, I am so deeply scarred by all of the years of battling with him, that I am afraid to get close to him again.

Our divorce is almost finalized - in fact, I think it will be on the 25th of this month - if all goes according to plans. And I keep on crying. I invested my whole life into this man, and our children. We have literally walked hand-in-hand through blazing fires, and managed to remain together. Why then, are we unable to walk through this period of our lives together?

I am just really struggling with the whole idea of either of us finding that "someone" aside from each other. I know, it doesn't make sense that I am going through this, when I am the one who instigated this whole scenario.

Today my thoughts were saying to me, "He loved me enough to let me go..." I just needed to know that he was willing to do that. Now I think it's too late to save this thing.

So I hurt, I cry, and have to let go.