After a bunch of procrastination, hmmmming and hawwwwing, my photography website is now up and running at Redbubble.com I am so excited to be able to share my work with everyone now, and to finally start to pursue my dream of being a professional photographer.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Yesterday was my day to pick up my girls.... and since my ex and I had discussed me having the girls over night a couple of evenings during the week - that was kind of exciting for me. I get to be more involved in their daily lives.
Times have been challenging and sad for me the last few months. My ex has found a new woman, and apparently has decided to marry her. They have known each other around four months. About two weeks ago, he had told me that he was going to move her in with him and my daughters - but had decided against it after some prayer and seeking wisdom from other Christians.... um, yeah. I was married to the guy, remember? Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up my girls, and when the bus arrived - bounding off of the bus were, 1) Gracie! 2) Audrey, and 3) the youngest of my ex's fiance's children..... ((((wait????)))) I thought she WASN'T moving in with them....????? Leave it to my ex to get sound, "christian" wisdom, and then decide that it isn't convenient for him. All I can say is, I hope he isn't going to entangle my children in this mess. This fiance' has no job, has known my ex for less than four months, and is all of a sudden engaged and living with him in his house with MY CHILDREN???????
Ahem, yeah - I am LIVID.
Times have been challenging and sad for me the last few months. My ex has found a new woman, and apparently has decided to marry her. They have known each other around four months. About two weeks ago, he had told me that he was going to move her in with him and my daughters - but had decided against it after some prayer and seeking wisdom from other Christians.... um, yeah. I was married to the guy, remember? Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up my girls, and when the bus arrived - bounding off of the bus were, 1) Gracie! 2) Audrey, and 3) the youngest of my ex's fiance's children..... ((((wait????)))) I thought she WASN'T moving in with them....????? Leave it to my ex to get sound, "christian" wisdom, and then decide that it isn't convenient for him. All I can say is, I hope he isn't going to entangle my children in this mess. This fiance' has no job, has known my ex for less than four months, and is all of a sudden engaged and living with him in his house with MY CHILDREN???????
Ahem, yeah - I am LIVID.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Searching for Joy
I hate titling blogs..... I'm not really that good at finding catch-phrases.
Trying desperately to make sense of the way my emotions are jerking me around. I was the one who wanted the divorce, so why is it that I can't handle being away from him?
Recently, my kids' dad started having a lady come to his house to help him organize it - kind of like one of those reality tv shows where they basically gut your house, and completely re-do it. She was an older, grandmotherly-type lady, who did home makeovers as a ministry, and didn't charge for her services. None of my business. However, when mounds and mounds of my things started being brought over to my parents' house for me to sort through, it became my problem too. I didn't have time for this - what with taking care of my parents, the kids, and my little job.
It was also beginning to feel like I was being purged from my old home, my old life..... Like, there was some sort of "purification" going on. There was to be no trace of me left at all in the home my children spend most of their time in. Something about that felt absolutely wrong. It hit me very hard, and I started falling into a pit of despair. (I would like to interject here, at this point, to mention that over the years I had begged my husband many, many times, to have someone come in and help me to get the house under control so that I could manage it. I'm not the best housekeeper, but things had gotten pretty bad when I fell into a deep depression after my oldest daughter was removed from our home due to her violent behavior, which was part of her syndrome.)
A few days after this process of purification started, it came to my attention that the grandmotherly woman who was organizing my ex-husband's house also had a younger daughter - who is about a year older than me, who was also helping in the expunging process. She brought along her young children to the home, and they spent the night there after working on the house. They live about 45 minutes south of my ex's house - so that is understandable. I don't know what it was about this that piqued my interest, but I knew somewhere in my heart that a huge change was about to occur, and that it wasn't going to be easy.....
Over the next few weeks, I started hearing more and more about this woman and her children. I would go over to my kids' house to pick them up, and they would take me into the house to show me the latest renovations. Their bedrooms looked so cute! I had always wanted to make such a cheery little home for them, but didn't have the energy. The new woman was definitely making an impression on me. My kids seemed to like her. I started hearing about the trips that my kids were taking with her and my ex, the going out to dinner, movie nights, etc. Suddenly I realize that I have been replaced... in a few short weeks, I have been banished.
(to be continued.......)
In the Balance
The pain of the last two months has been nearly unbearable.
So many changes occurred, that I have been reeling with the combination of emotions that come at me like fast-pitches in a batting cage. I have been working feverishly to stay afloat, process each situation as it arises, and somehow grow at the same time.
In the last few days, I have taken some much-needed time to pursue my creative passions, and spend time with my precious raccoons. (For those of you who don't know me very well, my "raccoons" are my three youngest daughters, who are messy, mischievous, adorable, and always hungry.) It has been both rewarding and melancholy.
Christmas was a tumultuous time, and there was some degree of hostility as my mother and I battled over whether we could have any sort of celebration here. She has recently suffered a stroke, and is recuperating - as well as recovering nicely after an extended stay in a rehabilitation unit at a local hospital. She felt overwhelmed by the idea of a group of people gathering, the state of her house (which is, admittedly, just a tad cluttered, but definitely more than presentable), meal-preparation, etc.
A little background: My mother has always been one to grouse and complain when it comes to holidays, and entertaining in-general. There is a lot of huffing, and martyrdom in this arena. Personally, I get a bit overwhelmed when the whole of a big holiday party is placed upon my shoulders, but I always experience a wholesome fulfillment from it.
Mentioning the obvious, like - trying to enjoy a holiday that is so far-removed from your long-enjoyed traditions, "my holiday/your holiday" balancing act, and shuffling the children around to make sure we all have ample time with them, is not to be left out of the equation. I was miserable. I wanted to reconcile with my kids' dad so badly during this time that I was very close to breaking down. Everything that I know and love is tucked into the memories of the time with that man, despite all of the pain and baggage of years past.
Adding to the stress of the holiday is my abject poverty. I am barely scraping by making a paltry $10 an hour, and working six hours a week at a little insurance agency. I have been trying, in vain, to find more work - but since I have been non-employed and raising my children for the last 21 years, employers haven't wanted to put any stock in me.... yet. I am grateful that my current boss was willing to take a chance on me.
In the end, we decided to not do a big gathering. I was given a precious $100 from a benevolent friend, which I spent buying a tiny tree and some decorations for my kids' room they have over here at my parents'. I had my children overnight on Christmas Eve, and they awoke Christmas morning to find their stockings amply-filled, and some home-spun gifts that I put together for them. Nothing fancy here, compared to the ski trip their daddy took them on, but the sentiment was not lost on them. I made a delicious turkey dinner, and my parents even enjoyed partaking in it. My son and his girlfriend came over to exchange gifts, and my brother and sister-in-law also peeked in for a little while. It was pleasant and very relaxed....
So many changes occurred, that I have been reeling with the combination of emotions that come at me like fast-pitches in a batting cage. I have been working feverishly to stay afloat, process each situation as it arises, and somehow grow at the same time.
In the last few days, I have taken some much-needed time to pursue my creative passions, and spend time with my precious raccoons. (For those of you who don't know me very well, my "raccoons" are my three youngest daughters, who are messy, mischievous, adorable, and always hungry.) It has been both rewarding and melancholy.
Christmas was a tumultuous time, and there was some degree of hostility as my mother and I battled over whether we could have any sort of celebration here. She has recently suffered a stroke, and is recuperating - as well as recovering nicely after an extended stay in a rehabilitation unit at a local hospital. She felt overwhelmed by the idea of a group of people gathering, the state of her house (which is, admittedly, just a tad cluttered, but definitely more than presentable), meal-preparation, etc.
A little background: My mother has always been one to grouse and complain when it comes to holidays, and entertaining in-general. There is a lot of huffing, and martyrdom in this arena. Personally, I get a bit overwhelmed when the whole of a big holiday party is placed upon my shoulders, but I always experience a wholesome fulfillment from it.
Mentioning the obvious, like - trying to enjoy a holiday that is so far-removed from your long-enjoyed traditions, "my holiday/your holiday" balancing act, and shuffling the children around to make sure we all have ample time with them, is not to be left out of the equation. I was miserable. I wanted to reconcile with my kids' dad so badly during this time that I was very close to breaking down. Everything that I know and love is tucked into the memories of the time with that man, despite all of the pain and baggage of years past.
Adding to the stress of the holiday is my abject poverty. I am barely scraping by making a paltry $10 an hour, and working six hours a week at a little insurance agency. I have been trying, in vain, to find more work - but since I have been non-employed and raising my children for the last 21 years, employers haven't wanted to put any stock in me.... yet. I am grateful that my current boss was willing to take a chance on me.
In the end, we decided to not do a big gathering. I was given a precious $100 from a benevolent friend, which I spent buying a tiny tree and some decorations for my kids' room they have over here at my parents'. I had my children overnight on Christmas Eve, and they awoke Christmas morning to find their stockings amply-filled, and some home-spun gifts that I put together for them. Nothing fancy here, compared to the ski trip their daddy took them on, but the sentiment was not lost on them. I made a delicious turkey dinner, and my parents even enjoyed partaking in it. My son and his girlfriend came over to exchange gifts, and my brother and sister-in-law also peeked in for a little while. It was pleasant and very relaxed....
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