Daddy's World

I walk around this shop
where the work is,
where the blades cut
and the fingers bleed

I glance around at the tools
and the scraps and the sawdust
and feel the creative energy
of your life

I smell the grease, the oil, the residue
of tasks unfinished, undecided, undertaken
and the chaos therein.

In this silence, I hear the sounds of the grinder,
the motor, the compressor.
The comforting sounds of your existence,
and your work.

There is a purpose
there is a plan
always busy and working with your hands
always remembering, dreaming, concealing

forgetting...... and losing......
but grasping.

I've walked through shops like this one
in days gone by
that echoed the voices I hear in your world
where tools were for sale
and long left unused
by hands such as yours, now stilled.

I'm glad you're still here
to joke with, and ponder with.
To match wits with, and smile at.

I see my your face in mine
and know that you'll always be here.

c2010 Felecia Walls

It's a lonely world - at least here it is.

Yesterday was so bad in my head that I seriously considered taking myself out - again. It's been quite a while since I have been that sad. I am really grateful that a good friend of mine divulged her own angst, and brought me out of self enough that I could see the forest and the trees. Life is good. It is by no means easy, nor is it very fun right now.... but it is so good.

I celebrated five months of sobriety yesterday with depression. Go figure.

I took some photographs of the moon last night - it was tilted in such a way that the craters and mountains were very visible - even to my lousy consumer-grade lens. Once I figure out how to embed the photographs, I will start showing off my photography here.

Today is a bit disconcerting.....

I had the girls over all day yesterday, while their daddy was at work, up until this morning. I took them to the park, just basked in their presence, and this morning made them French Toast. It's their favorite. I invited their daddy over to partake, and he came over - after first getting a haircut. He was really tired from staying over at his brother's house until 1am this morning.

I am really struggling.

On one hand, I really, really love this guy, and his strands of fabric are interwoven into mine in a very dynamic and multi-colored way. On the other hand, I am so deeply scarred by all of the years of battling with him, that I am afraid to get close to him again.

Our divorce is almost finalized - in fact, I think it will be on the 25th of this month - if all goes according to plans. And I keep on crying. I invested my whole life into this man, and our children. We have literally walked hand-in-hand through blazing fires, and managed to remain together. Why then, are we unable to walk through this period of our lives together?

I am just really struggling with the whole idea of either of us finding that "someone" aside from each other. I know, it doesn't make sense that I am going through this, when I am the one who instigated this whole scenario.

Today my thoughts were saying to me, "He loved me enough to let me go..." I just needed to know that he was willing to do that. Now I think it's too late to save this thing.

So I hurt, I cry, and have to let go.

Welcome...

I am glad to have finally found myself in the "blogger world", where I can now express myself more openly.

I would like to start by introducing myself:

I am Felecia - mother of five, photographer, daughter, sister, niece, and friend to many. I am in the process of dissolving a marriage of 23 years to my high school "sweetheart". It has been a rich and sometime fulfilling experience, with many very happy moments tangled in the web of the challenges of life.

I am also the mother of a child with Prader-Willi Syndrome (www.pwsa.org). I hope to relate some of the many challenges facing the parents of children with this disability, and hopefully impart some pieces of wisdom to those who are just starting down this long and windy road.

Hopefully, I will have something worthwhile to share at some point, and will start posting my photography, poetry, favorite videos and links.

Thank you for stopping by.