After a bunch of procrastination, hmmmming and hawwwwing, my photography website is now up and running at Redbubble.com I am so excited to be able to share my work with everyone now, and to finally start to pursue my dream of being a professional photographer.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Yesterday was my day to pick up my girls.... and since my ex and I had discussed me having the girls over night a couple of evenings during the week - that was kind of exciting for me. I get to be more involved in their daily lives.
Times have been challenging and sad for me the last few months. My ex has found a new woman, and apparently has decided to marry her. They have known each other around four months. About two weeks ago, he had told me that he was going to move her in with him and my daughters - but had decided against it after some prayer and seeking wisdom from other Christians.... um, yeah. I was married to the guy, remember? Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up my girls, and when the bus arrived - bounding off of the bus were, 1) Gracie! 2) Audrey, and 3) the youngest of my ex's fiance's children..... ((((wait????)))) I thought she WASN'T moving in with them....????? Leave it to my ex to get sound, "christian" wisdom, and then decide that it isn't convenient for him. All I can say is, I hope he isn't going to entangle my children in this mess. This fiance' has no job, has known my ex for less than four months, and is all of a sudden engaged and living with him in his house with MY CHILDREN???????
Ahem, yeah - I am LIVID.
Times have been challenging and sad for me the last few months. My ex has found a new woman, and apparently has decided to marry her. They have known each other around four months. About two weeks ago, he had told me that he was going to move her in with him and my daughters - but had decided against it after some prayer and seeking wisdom from other Christians.... um, yeah. I was married to the guy, remember? Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up my girls, and when the bus arrived - bounding off of the bus were, 1) Gracie! 2) Audrey, and 3) the youngest of my ex's fiance's children..... ((((wait????)))) I thought she WASN'T moving in with them....????? Leave it to my ex to get sound, "christian" wisdom, and then decide that it isn't convenient for him. All I can say is, I hope he isn't going to entangle my children in this mess. This fiance' has no job, has known my ex for less than four months, and is all of a sudden engaged and living with him in his house with MY CHILDREN???????
Ahem, yeah - I am LIVID.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Searching for Joy
I hate titling blogs..... I'm not really that good at finding catch-phrases.
Trying desperately to make sense of the way my emotions are jerking me around. I was the one who wanted the divorce, so why is it that I can't handle being away from him?
Recently, my kids' dad started having a lady come to his house to help him organize it - kind of like one of those reality tv shows where they basically gut your house, and completely re-do it. She was an older, grandmotherly-type lady, who did home makeovers as a ministry, and didn't charge for her services. None of my business. However, when mounds and mounds of my things started being brought over to my parents' house for me to sort through, it became my problem too. I didn't have time for this - what with taking care of my parents, the kids, and my little job.
It was also beginning to feel like I was being purged from my old home, my old life..... Like, there was some sort of "purification" going on. There was to be no trace of me left at all in the home my children spend most of their time in. Something about that felt absolutely wrong. It hit me very hard, and I started falling into a pit of despair. (I would like to interject here, at this point, to mention that over the years I had begged my husband many, many times, to have someone come in and help me to get the house under control so that I could manage it. I'm not the best housekeeper, but things had gotten pretty bad when I fell into a deep depression after my oldest daughter was removed from our home due to her violent behavior, which was part of her syndrome.)
A few days after this process of purification started, it came to my attention that the grandmotherly woman who was organizing my ex-husband's house also had a younger daughter - who is about a year older than me, who was also helping in the expunging process. She brought along her young children to the home, and they spent the night there after working on the house. They live about 45 minutes south of my ex's house - so that is understandable. I don't know what it was about this that piqued my interest, but I knew somewhere in my heart that a huge change was about to occur, and that it wasn't going to be easy.....
Over the next few weeks, I started hearing more and more about this woman and her children. I would go over to my kids' house to pick them up, and they would take me into the house to show me the latest renovations. Their bedrooms looked so cute! I had always wanted to make such a cheery little home for them, but didn't have the energy. The new woman was definitely making an impression on me. My kids seemed to like her. I started hearing about the trips that my kids were taking with her and my ex, the going out to dinner, movie nights, etc. Suddenly I realize that I have been replaced... in a few short weeks, I have been banished.
(to be continued.......)
In the Balance
The pain of the last two months has been nearly unbearable.
So many changes occurred, that I have been reeling with the combination of emotions that come at me like fast-pitches in a batting cage. I have been working feverishly to stay afloat, process each situation as it arises, and somehow grow at the same time.
In the last few days, I have taken some much-needed time to pursue my creative passions, and spend time with my precious raccoons. (For those of you who don't know me very well, my "raccoons" are my three youngest daughters, who are messy, mischievous, adorable, and always hungry.) It has been both rewarding and melancholy.
Christmas was a tumultuous time, and there was some degree of hostility as my mother and I battled over whether we could have any sort of celebration here. She has recently suffered a stroke, and is recuperating - as well as recovering nicely after an extended stay in a rehabilitation unit at a local hospital. She felt overwhelmed by the idea of a group of people gathering, the state of her house (which is, admittedly, just a tad cluttered, but definitely more than presentable), meal-preparation, etc.
A little background: My mother has always been one to grouse and complain when it comes to holidays, and entertaining in-general. There is a lot of huffing, and martyrdom in this arena. Personally, I get a bit overwhelmed when the whole of a big holiday party is placed upon my shoulders, but I always experience a wholesome fulfillment from it.
Mentioning the obvious, like - trying to enjoy a holiday that is so far-removed from your long-enjoyed traditions, "my holiday/your holiday" balancing act, and shuffling the children around to make sure we all have ample time with them, is not to be left out of the equation. I was miserable. I wanted to reconcile with my kids' dad so badly during this time that I was very close to breaking down. Everything that I know and love is tucked into the memories of the time with that man, despite all of the pain and baggage of years past.
Adding to the stress of the holiday is my abject poverty. I am barely scraping by making a paltry $10 an hour, and working six hours a week at a little insurance agency. I have been trying, in vain, to find more work - but since I have been non-employed and raising my children for the last 21 years, employers haven't wanted to put any stock in me.... yet. I am grateful that my current boss was willing to take a chance on me.
In the end, we decided to not do a big gathering. I was given a precious $100 from a benevolent friend, which I spent buying a tiny tree and some decorations for my kids' room they have over here at my parents'. I had my children overnight on Christmas Eve, and they awoke Christmas morning to find their stockings amply-filled, and some home-spun gifts that I put together for them. Nothing fancy here, compared to the ski trip their daddy took them on, but the sentiment was not lost on them. I made a delicious turkey dinner, and my parents even enjoyed partaking in it. My son and his girlfriend came over to exchange gifts, and my brother and sister-in-law also peeked in for a little while. It was pleasant and very relaxed....
So many changes occurred, that I have been reeling with the combination of emotions that come at me like fast-pitches in a batting cage. I have been working feverishly to stay afloat, process each situation as it arises, and somehow grow at the same time.
In the last few days, I have taken some much-needed time to pursue my creative passions, and spend time with my precious raccoons. (For those of you who don't know me very well, my "raccoons" are my three youngest daughters, who are messy, mischievous, adorable, and always hungry.) It has been both rewarding and melancholy.
Christmas was a tumultuous time, and there was some degree of hostility as my mother and I battled over whether we could have any sort of celebration here. She has recently suffered a stroke, and is recuperating - as well as recovering nicely after an extended stay in a rehabilitation unit at a local hospital. She felt overwhelmed by the idea of a group of people gathering, the state of her house (which is, admittedly, just a tad cluttered, but definitely more than presentable), meal-preparation, etc.
A little background: My mother has always been one to grouse and complain when it comes to holidays, and entertaining in-general. There is a lot of huffing, and martyrdom in this arena. Personally, I get a bit overwhelmed when the whole of a big holiday party is placed upon my shoulders, but I always experience a wholesome fulfillment from it.
Mentioning the obvious, like - trying to enjoy a holiday that is so far-removed from your long-enjoyed traditions, "my holiday/your holiday" balancing act, and shuffling the children around to make sure we all have ample time with them, is not to be left out of the equation. I was miserable. I wanted to reconcile with my kids' dad so badly during this time that I was very close to breaking down. Everything that I know and love is tucked into the memories of the time with that man, despite all of the pain and baggage of years past.
Adding to the stress of the holiday is my abject poverty. I am barely scraping by making a paltry $10 an hour, and working six hours a week at a little insurance agency. I have been trying, in vain, to find more work - but since I have been non-employed and raising my children for the last 21 years, employers haven't wanted to put any stock in me.... yet. I am grateful that my current boss was willing to take a chance on me.
In the end, we decided to not do a big gathering. I was given a precious $100 from a benevolent friend, which I spent buying a tiny tree and some decorations for my kids' room they have over here at my parents'. I had my children overnight on Christmas Eve, and they awoke Christmas morning to find their stockings amply-filled, and some home-spun gifts that I put together for them. Nothing fancy here, compared to the ski trip their daddy took them on, but the sentiment was not lost on them. I made a delicious turkey dinner, and my parents even enjoyed partaking in it. My son and his girlfriend came over to exchange gifts, and my brother and sister-in-law also peeked in for a little while. It was pleasant and very relaxed....
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Holiday Doldrums
December 7, 2010
Such a whirlwind....
It has been a traumatic and chaotic year, with its share of ups and downs. Now, it is a time for planning, and prioritizing.
All of the events of this past year have taught me valuable lessons - and had I not experienced them, I would not appreciate where I am today. I have made progress by leaps and bounds. I feel solid in my growth, and grateful everyday for all of my blessings. I am not saying that it is easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is definitely getting easier.
Ray and I have been divorced for a little over four months now, and it is still hard. When we were just "separated", there was still a bit of safety. I was still cared for, loved, and provided for. My things were still mine. I guess it hasn't quite sunk in yet that it is over. It's not necessarily a bad thing - just different (as I always say).
Christmas is going to be strange. In my mind's eye, I see the remnants of Christmases past, and am foggy-eyed and nostalgic over the memories. There were good times in there - of course. In twenty-five years together, there sure were. In a lot of ways I miss him. He was my protector, my provider..... He was chivalrous, and sometimes gentle. Enough of that. I need to write - and if I focus on him, I will get nowhere.... I digress.
So this Christmas, I get the girls for the evening of the 24th, and the morning of Christmas. For that, I am grateful. I am just a bit stressed over how to go about decorating, shopping, and cooking for the holiday when I am full-time caregiver for my parents. That alone is enough to wipe a person out completely. I will just have to do the best that I can.
Such a whirlwind....
It has been a traumatic and chaotic year, with its share of ups and downs. Now, it is a time for planning, and prioritizing.
All of the events of this past year have taught me valuable lessons - and had I not experienced them, I would not appreciate where I am today. I have made progress by leaps and bounds. I feel solid in my growth, and grateful everyday for all of my blessings. I am not saying that it is easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is definitely getting easier.
Ray and I have been divorced for a little over four months now, and it is still hard. When we were just "separated", there was still a bit of safety. I was still cared for, loved, and provided for. My things were still mine. I guess it hasn't quite sunk in yet that it is over. It's not necessarily a bad thing - just different (as I always say).
Christmas is going to be strange. In my mind's eye, I see the remnants of Christmases past, and am foggy-eyed and nostalgic over the memories. There were good times in there - of course. In twenty-five years together, there sure were. In a lot of ways I miss him. He was my protector, my provider..... He was chivalrous, and sometimes gentle. Enough of that. I need to write - and if I focus on him, I will get nowhere.... I digress.
So this Christmas, I get the girls for the evening of the 24th, and the morning of Christmas. For that, I am grateful. I am just a bit stressed over how to go about decorating, shopping, and cooking for the holiday when I am full-time caregiver for my parents. That alone is enough to wipe a person out completely. I will just have to do the best that I can.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
April 2, 1987 - July 19, 2010 The Death of a Marriage
Where do I start?
I have so many regrets surrounding the whole divorce - things I could have/should have done differently. If I am truly honest with myself, I have been in this space before. It feels all-too-familiar. Every time things get to the point of finality, I find myself in a panic mode, clinging to the only thing I have ever known in my life: Ray. He is my life preserver - or at least he used to be.
I may have acted to hastily in demanding my divorce, but in the end - regardless of the outcome, I still feel in my core that it was the right thing to do. Especially when it comes to the consideration of what my kids have gone through. They have witnessed some serious fights between Ray and I, and that is unacceptable.
I want to put on a brave face, and act-as-if things are exactly the way I want them to be right now. But things aren't. They are exactly the way they are supposed to be, at this moment in time. That is uncomfortable for me.
In retrospect, I have all of these things that I wish had been different. If I could rewind my life and do it all over again..... I would change almost everything.
I would make time for sunsets, and moonlit walks. I would sit, and just hold him - in the silence. I would have been more patient and loving. I would have made sure that just the two of us had gone away to some exotic destination - sans children. I would have forced him to go to ballroom dancing lessons.... Mostly, I would have appreciated him for the man he was, and stopped trying to make him into the man I thought I needed. There are other contributing factors to the demise of our marriage - I can't take sole responsibility for it.
It does take two.... to tango.
I have so many regrets surrounding the whole divorce - things I could have/should have done differently. If I am truly honest with myself, I have been in this space before. It feels all-too-familiar. Every time things get to the point of finality, I find myself in a panic mode, clinging to the only thing I have ever known in my life: Ray. He is my life preserver - or at least he used to be.
I may have acted to hastily in demanding my divorce, but in the end - regardless of the outcome, I still feel in my core that it was the right thing to do. Especially when it comes to the consideration of what my kids have gone through. They have witnessed some serious fights between Ray and I, and that is unacceptable.
I want to put on a brave face, and act-as-if things are exactly the way I want them to be right now. But things aren't. They are exactly the way they are supposed to be, at this moment in time. That is uncomfortable for me.
In retrospect, I have all of these things that I wish had been different. If I could rewind my life and do it all over again..... I would change almost everything.
I would make time for sunsets, and moonlit walks. I would sit, and just hold him - in the silence. I would have been more patient and loving. I would have made sure that just the two of us had gone away to some exotic destination - sans children. I would have forced him to go to ballroom dancing lessons.... Mostly, I would have appreciated him for the man he was, and stopped trying to make him into the man I thought I needed. There are other contributing factors to the demise of our marriage - I can't take sole responsibility for it.
It does take two.... to tango.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Today's Musings......
Well, it's been a few days since I have posted anything, so I thought I might check in. Even though I'm pretty sure no one is reading.
I have come to the conclusion that my vacillation around my former relationship has been completely pointless, and he has made that pretty clear. I talked with a friend, and shared all of the gory details with her yesterday, and she pointed out to me that it was not healthy to continue with my lack of decisiveness, because it was harmful for my children. She's right. My girls have been so much more calm and serene since those divorce papers got signed.
So it's the end..... and a new beginning. I am trying to find some footing, and trust that god has a plan for my life. Right now, I am in action - trying to find employment, signing up workshops to update my computer literacy, and trying to find scholarships so I can afford to live and start school. I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. It's just a phase in my life that I have to accept to some degree, but I am not going to sit here and wallow in self-pity (I'm not even sad, so what would be the purpose in that???)
Yesterday I got to do some service work, as well as some very heavy-duty volunteer work that reminded me of where I came from, and where I could be again if I don't take some serious steps to prevent that from happening. It just "happened" that I was in the right place at the right time, and I can't explain how rewarding it was to be in the midst of such great spirituality.
I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the people in my life who have encouraged me through all of the challenges and decision-making that I have been going through. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who don't agree with my decision to get a divorce, but again.... they don't know both sides of the story, and I ain't spilling.
If you're reading this, I hope you have a good day!
I have come to the conclusion that my vacillation around my former relationship has been completely pointless, and he has made that pretty clear. I talked with a friend, and shared all of the gory details with her yesterday, and she pointed out to me that it was not healthy to continue with my lack of decisiveness, because it was harmful for my children. She's right. My girls have been so much more calm and serene since those divorce papers got signed.
So it's the end..... and a new beginning. I am trying to find some footing, and trust that god has a plan for my life. Right now, I am in action - trying to find employment, signing up workshops to update my computer literacy, and trying to find scholarships so I can afford to live and start school. I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. It's just a phase in my life that I have to accept to some degree, but I am not going to sit here and wallow in self-pity (I'm not even sad, so what would be the purpose in that???)
Yesterday I got to do some service work, as well as some very heavy-duty volunteer work that reminded me of where I came from, and where I could be again if I don't take some serious steps to prevent that from happening. It just "happened" that I was in the right place at the right time, and I can't explain how rewarding it was to be in the midst of such great spirituality.
I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the people in my life who have encouraged me through all of the challenges and decision-making that I have been going through. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who don't agree with my decision to get a divorce, but again.... they don't know both sides of the story, and I ain't spilling.
If you're reading this, I hope you have a good day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)